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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Girls just wanna have funds.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.