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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)