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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.