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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.