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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I wish my mind had a delete button.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.