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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.