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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Sex, do it for the kids.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.