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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.