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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!