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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.