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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something