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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I put the o in illiterate!
So many rules; so little time to break them.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.