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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.