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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Chip clips are for quitters.