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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.