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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.