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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.