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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper