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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!