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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.