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Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.