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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.