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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor