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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”