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"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.