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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!