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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.