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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?