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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.