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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....