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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"