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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.