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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
I never finish anyth...............
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...