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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I need a partner in wine.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.