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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
That moment when being uncool, is cool