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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.