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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.