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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.