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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.