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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I don`t care about your status...
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
The word bed looks like a bed.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.