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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?