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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.