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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.