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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I fake my LOLs
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.