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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.