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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Not so great minds also think alike.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?