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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.