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First fart at my new job.
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
What if the weather talks about us?
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"