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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??