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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
i only drink on days that end with y
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.