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Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Where is the button to restart summer?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..