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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".