Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.