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I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.