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Before the internet I used to like people.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.