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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`