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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes