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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.