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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...