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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.